Yesterday on New Years Eve I decided on a whim to play a visual novel I've been seeing much praise for recently, ZATO - I love the world and everyone in it. Very good, very eye opening, the fact every memory of what happens has been ripped from my skull haunts me deeply. It reminded me of a thought I had long grasped at but could never reach, being that the world as we know it is all predetermined, however that assumption may be wrong, perhaps the world has been granted free will and various random test subjects among us have been forced to bear the unfortunate reality that their own personal world is predetermined. I seem to be one of those unfortunate "souls", and while I have attempted to deny it, it is hard to argue against when presented with the evidence. Lately, I've been having more and more incredibly vivid, tactile dreams to the point it's difficult to differentiate what are memories and what are dreams, it is as though my current world is temporarily merging and giving me glimpses of what other fates that may have been in store for me. Being homeless on the street in a different state, being invited to fancy parties and making an ass of my self, living with family and witnessing things that should not be physically possible, even minute differences such as a conversation I had earlier in the day taking a different turn. It gets more and more difficult to tell them all apart as they pile onto eachother. Maybe they are signs of what is to come in the future, hidden plans of those controlling me. I have always had these thoughts but they were more centered around being monitored and tracked at all times, but I've since pushed those thoughts to the back of my skull, until now that they are more relevant. I don't know to what level the world as I know it is being controlled, is every single movement I make planned? Is every thought I think curated? Or is it more of influence? Changing slight things so I could experience a certain outcome, does it still count as free will if there are beings shuffling around orchestrating my life? I don't know. Initially upon thinking of it more I had assumed that all free will did not exist, maybe if I'm going through this so is everyone else, every single little action or thought being controlled by something we could not comprehend. Upon seeking advice on how to cope, everyone acted as if I were either a lunatic or being overly pessimistic. It is so torturous not knowing. Is it better to not have free will and be unknowing of it or to have a miniscule amount of free will and the greater scope of the world is being controlled instead? I don't know. Regardless, the evidence is piling too high to ignore, maybe I was happier when I did not dwell on it, I don't remember. Maybe those memories of happiness were mere dreams planted in me, who could say. Even now as I type this patterns and pictures are being presented to me via the text, but they keep fleeing away, I can't read them, I can't make out what they are, but I can see them. More teasing from above. What can be done. It's difficult to remain optimistic when every single event in my life is being herded to a particular point without me knowing. This morning I woke up in a cold sweat feeling the presence of someone, or something, in my apartment. I couldn't quite see them but I knew they were there, I didn't know what it wanted, if it wanted at all, but I was struck with such incredible fear that any moment I would let me guard down and it would jump out and murder me, dying wouldn't be so bad but the fear involved was too much. It's all a game to them, fuck with me here or there just for a fun game. I am a lower being, even amongst fellow humans I am not on even ground, I am hardly a living creature, it is no wonder they feel so free to involve me in their games. To a degree being watched is still bothersome but I have almost accepted it, what haunts me most is I just do not know the extent of it all.